What Was I Thinking?
by Sinically Optimystic
Summary: Callie is afraid Arizona is having second thoughts about sharing their life together.


**Summary**: Callie is afraid Arizona may be having second thought about sharing their life together.

**Disclaimer**: These characters are not mine. Shonda Rhimes is the reason the world is screwed up, and random, and mean. And I do mean that both in the Grey's world and mine. God, what this show does to me.

**Thank you for reading. Review if you can!**

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><p>At just 9 months old, Gracie Danielle Torres-Sloan (Gracie, short for <em>Gracias<em> which was all her father could think to say when he was told she'd really be okay. Danielle, for her mom's beloved brother Daniel, because she proved herself to be every bit the fighter her late uncle was) was already driving her parents crazy. She'd had an illustrious career of doing so from the moment she was born. First there was her highly drama-filled birth. Her mommy was unconscious for every bit of it, with her mom and her dad scared to death for them both. They were both nearly lost, but quick thinking and excellent skill from Gracie's Seattle-Grace Mercy-West family saved them. She was premature (very) but she was strong. "So strong", her mom would occasionally whisper in her ear even now, months later. She defied all the odds, and she was able to go home to her parents after just two months of being in the NICU. "Way to go Gracie Lou!" her uncle Alex jokingly cheered. "That must be some sort of preemie record." She was still a mite small for her age, she might always be, but it was the strength in her that was important and she had that in leaps and bounds.

Right now she was using all that strength to scream and cry at a decibel level so high the neighbor's dog was barking from inside his apartment three doors down.

"Gracie, Gracie, Gracie... what is it? What can momma do to make it better? Please tell me. I'll do anything you want," Arizona promised, soothingly but exasperatedly into her daughter's ear. Gracie just continued to scream louder yet.

"Arizona, why are you letting her cry like that? The neighbors are calling!" Callie exclaimed, coming back into the room from answering the phone in the kitchen. She looked just as tried and worn out as her wife did, who was standing in the middle of their bedroom rocking their crying baby in her arms.

"Uh, excuse me… let_? _You think I'm _letting _her cry like this? You think I _enjoy_ the 24 hour migraine I've had for what feels like the last 7 months? You think I wouldn't give a kidney or a lung just to get her to stop? Seriously, Calliope? Unbelievable!" Arizona half-screamed, furious but still aware of the steadily screaming infant in her arms. She cut her eyes at Callie once before turning back to the baby, resuming her whispered words and soothing back circles.

"Did you check her diaper? Try the bottle? Burp her?" Callie asked, desperately searching for a way to get her daughter to settle down.

"No, Callie. I, a Peds surgeon, did none of those things an eight-year-old would think to do," Arizona spat back.

"Hey. There's no need to get to get nasty, alright? Us getting into a fight won't solve anything," Callie said, a frown on her face. Arizona closed her eyes and sighed.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I just… I feel so useless. I feel like I shouldn't be here at all."

Cold fear gripped Callie and gripped her hard. Arizona's words and defeated expression set off alarm bells in her head. The possibility of Arizona wanting to leave had been a secret fear of Callie's, and it was weighing on her more and more with each sleep-deprived and stressed-out day that passed. Though _she_ thought of Arizona as Gracie's mom, Callie couldn't be quite sure how the blonde felt. Arizona loved the baby for sure, but so did nearly everyone who met her. With her almond eyes and jet black hair that was already long enough to curl over several times, no one could withstand the charms of little Gracie. But it took more than just a cute smile to get someone to want to stay through stinky diapers, days without sleep, and throw up everywhere. People left their planned, biological children all the time. What was to keep Arizona from turning her back on a baby that wasn't geneticallyhers, admittedly came with a little baggage, and wouldn't stop screaming for hours upon end. Callie hated thinking like that, but fears were fears, no matter how ugly or irrational.

"I know it's been hard, but come on. This is what we signed on for, right?" Callie asked hopefully. The look Arizona shot her sent another wave of chills up her spine. Because it was a look that very clearly said _we _didn't sign on for anything.

"Can you hand me her pacifier? She didn't take it earlier, but maybe she will now," Arizona asked, holding out her hand. Callie dutifully handed the pacifier over then moved to sit on the bed. Arizona placed the pacifier to Gracie's mouth and the baby thankfully took it. Both her moms let out huge sighs of relief. Arizona moved to sit down next to Callie on the bed.

"You know, I never realize just how loud she is until she's quiet," Callie tried to joke. Arizona was having none of it.

"I do," she said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Arizona kept her focus on the baby as if she expected her to erupt at any moment. A few minutes more and Gracie's eyes started to droop. Arizona continued to hold her until she drifted off to sleep. She waited another few minutes more, just to make sure the baby was really down for the count. When Arizona was sure she was, she crept over to Gracie's crib and gently put her down. When Gracie didn't immediately start to cry she did a silent little victory dance that Callie found absolutely adorable. Then just as carefully and quietly, she walked over to the bed and threw self down on it face up, immediately attempting to go to sleep.

Callie raised up to lean her back against their headboard and stared down at her wife who had just passed out on their bed. Her hair was loose and sprawling across the pillow (no need for ponytails anymore. Gracie just pulls them a loose anyway). Her shirt was stretched out and slightly damp from baby tears, especially near her collarbone and chest. Her shorts were riding up because of the position she lay in, making her already rather small pajama shorts leave even less to the imagination. Her eyes were closed, but her mouth was slightly open and pouting. She had a thin sheen of sweat covering her body and she still smelled of their daughter.

Callie couldn't remember being more turned on.

She slid down the mattress and crawled to kneel at Arizona's waist. She carefully lifted Arizona's shirt a little, pressing soft kisses along her stomach moving northward. It took until Callie got to the underside of Arizona's left breast that she started to respond. Her body tensed up and she looked down at Callie with a confused and irritated expression on her face.

"What are you doing?" Arizona whispered. Callie gave her best seductive smile and leaned down to give Arizona's chest another kiss.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Callie asked, placing yet another kiss higher up Arizona's body. Arizona just looked at her disbelievingly.

"Are you kidding me?" Callie's smile dropped at Arizona's tone. She leaned back away from Arizona's body.

"What? You looked hot," Callie tried to play coy, but that only seemed to upset Arizona more.

"I looked hot? No. I do not look "hot", Calliope. I look terrible. I look terrible because I haven't slept for more than four hours at a time in more than 6 months. I'm completely covered in baby bodily functions, my back is killing me, and I'm on the verge of tears like, all the time. I feel a million and one different things, but I can tell you Callie, hot is not one of them," Arizona complained, remembering to keep her voice low. Callie just smiled and leaned down to Arizona again.

"I don't care what you feel. You still look hot to me. Come on, just a little. It's been so long," Callie said, giving Arizona another kiss. Arizona pulled away. Callie chased her, placing soft kisses all over Arizona's body trying to get her into the mood, Arizona fighting her every step of the way.

"Callie, stop it… I'm serious… Callie… Callie, come on… I'm tired. Stop. Callie, I don't want to!" Arizona said in as loud a whisper as she could, holding Callie at arm's length. Callie sat back the rest of the way, completely frustrated in more than one way.

"Why NOT?" Callie shouted, forgetting herself for a moment and instantly regretting it. Arizona's eyes got wide and she whipped her head in the direction of Gracie's crib, absolute terror on her face. One, two moments then Gracie started to scream full strength. Arizona growled.

"You _cannot_ be serious! I said NO, Callie! Goddamn it!" Arizona screamed, pushing Callie forcefully off of her. She threw herself out of bed and stomped over to Gracie, already speaking in tired soothing tones. Callie was shocked to hear that particular expletive come out of Arizona's mouth, and she knew she was in real trouble when she heard it. She began to speak when the sound of a beeper going off stopped her. Arizona's face lit up and she whipped her head around looking for the source of the sound.

"Where is it? Is it yours or mine? Yours or mine, Callie?" Callie ran to the living room and picked up both devices, running back into the bedroom. Arizona looked up at her more hopeful than Callie could remember seeing her in months.

"It's yours," Callie said, trying hard to ignore the pain Arizona's look of triumph and relief caused her.

"Oh, thank God. Okay, I gotta go. Come here. Take your daughter. I need to get dressed."

Callie's legs felt like they were in quick sand as she walked to Arizona to take Gracie. Not only was Arizona obviously delighted to get away from them, she had referred to _their _daughter as _hers- _as in hers alone. Still in a daze, Callie lifted her arms to take a still screaming Gracie from Arizona's. As soon as the baby was safe and settled in Callie's arms, Arizona was off like a rocket, and was dressed in what seemed a matter of seconds. She threw an "I love you" absentmindedly over her shoulder before she ran out the apartment. Callie just stood there staring dumbstruck at the door, crying just as hard as the baby in her arms.

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><p>"<em>Your <em>daughter, Mark. _Your_ daughter, like Gracie didn't mean anything to her," Callie told Mark once he got home from his shift. Arizona was still gone and Mark held a no longer crying Gracie in his arms, trying his best to get her mom to stop.

"Callie, come on. You know that isn't true. Arizona loves Gracie."

"I know, but what if that's not enough? What if we're not enough?" Callie asked as a new wave of tears rolled out of her. Mark reached his arm across to Callie and rubbed her shoulders, trying to settle her down.

"Of course you're enough. You're all she could ever want, and then some. Being a new parent is hard. I'm tired, you're tired, she's tired… but that's all it is Callie. We're just tired. No one's going anywhere." Callie shook her head like she wasn't quite sure how true his words were. Mark sighed.

"Hey, if you want I can take Gracie more often. I'd love to have her." Callie immediately shook her head and reached over to hold Gracie's hand.

"No! No, we already have a system in place that gives everyone an equal amount of time with her. I'm not giving up my share just because Arizona doesn't… doesn't want to… want to…" Callie couldn't even finish her thought completely before she was crying so hard she could barely breathe, let alone speak. Gracie started to squirm at the noise, her face scrunching up in preparation of a cry, making Mark even more desperate to quiet Callie down. Arizona wasn't the only one who was going crazy from lack of sleep.

"Callie, sweetheart, look at me," Mark said gently cupping Callie's face in his hands and turning it towards his own. Callie looked up at him through teary, bloodshot eyes. The sight made Mark's heart hurt a little.

"Listen, and I want you to really hear me when I say this, cause it's still kind of hard for me. Arizona loves you and Gracie more than she loves anything else in the world. You're a family, _her _family. She lives for you, she would die for you. She's. Not. Leaving," Mark said, punctuating his last words strongly. Callie looked away for a moment, and another few tears fell from her eyes before she looked back, vulnerability etched all across her face.

"She left before," Callie replied, in a voice just above a whisper. And there it was, Mark thought. The real reason Callie was afraid. She still hadn't quite forgiven Arizona for the huge mistake she made leaving her in that airport.

"I know Callie, and usually I'm on your side about that, but I think you keep forgetting one very important detail to that story." Mark paused and Callie looked at him questioningly, knowing there was nothing she could ever forget about that horrible day. Mark just smiled kindly.

"She came back." Callie sniffed at the reminder, and smiled just a little which was all the encouragement Mark needed.

"She came back, Callie. She came back and she stayed. She stayed through finding out about me and you. She stayed through finding out about Gracie. Who, by the way, wouldn't even be here if she hadn't left. So, you know… silver lining and all that." This time Callie full on laughed, so Mark continued.

"She stayed through the car accident, and all your rehabilitation. She stayed and she married you. And it wasn't because she wanted to get back at me, or because she felt insecure about her place in your life. That may have been why she proposed when she did, but by the time those I do's were said, she said yes for one reason and one reason only. Because she wanted to show you and Gracie, and the entire world that she's staying. She's staying forever," Mark finished, rubbing Callie's back. Callie's mouth lifted to one side.

"You think?" Mark moved to answer affirmatively, but before he did Gracie let out a murmur that sounded suspiciously like the word yes. Mark and Callie looked down at her shocked for a moment, then back up at each other bursting out laughing.

"Well, I guess that answers that, huh? You know your momma even better than I do, don't you Gracie?" Callie joked, leaning over to give a giggling Gracie a kiss which only seemed to tickle the girl more. Mark beamed looking at his daughter.

"See there. Who could leave a face like that?" Callie laughed and gave Mark's hand a little squeeze.

"No one we know…" she replied, as Mark turned his full attention to the baby now that Callie was feeling better. He was so focused on Gracie that he didn't see the look on Callie's face, betraying her final thoughts on the matter:

"_I hope." _

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><p>A couple days later, Callie got called in for an emergency bone realignment. Mark was already at the hospital, and was actually needed for the same case. This left Arizona to take on the responsibility of caring for Gracie alone. Callie was apprehensive about leaving because she still felt Arizona seemed on the verge of calling it quits. She certainly balked at the idea of having to take Gracie on for hours all by herself, especially when the baby had just started cutting a new tooth and inconsolable was the nicest way possible to describe her mood.<p>

"Come on, Arizona. It's just a few hours," Callie said, passing Gracie off who at the time was graciously quiet, chewing on a teething ring.

"That's easy for you to say, Callie. You're not the one who has to take her," Arizona countered, securing the baby in her arms. Callie could feel her blood start to rush in fear and annoyance at Arizona's reluctance to take Gracie even for a few hours.

"That's not fair. I take care of her all the time when you're busy. In fact I just had her for the past twelve hours while you were on call," Callie replied, frustrated as she put on her shoes.

"Yeah, but she's not…" Arizona began, before Callie furiously whipped her head toward her.

"She's not _what, _Arizona?" Callie shouted, daring Arizona to say it. Arizona looked slightly taken aback, and cocked her head to the side.

"She's not crying now. What did you think I was going to say, Callie?" Arizona asked in return, starting to look as angry and defiant as Callie. Callie realized her own slip, and backed down.

"Nothing, I have to go," Callie said to Arizona's lividly red face. Callie raced out of the apartment before any more could be said. Just as soon as she had the door shut, she heard the unmistakable sound of the beginning wailings of a Gracie temper-tantrum. She heard Arizona growl loudly in frustration, and Callie muttered a low _shit _under her breath. She walked quickly to the elevator, determined to get her surgery over as soon as possible in hopes that she could make it back in time to salvage what was left of her family.

Unfortunately the operation took longer than expected. Callie came in around three in the morning, dead tired and afraid of what she might find on the other side. She hoped Arizona and the baby were asleep, so that they would both have had at least a goodnight's rest to cool down a bit before they talked and anyone did or said something rash. The lack of noise outside the apartment gave Callie hope, but when she pushed the door open her heart immediately sank. Arizona was wide awake with a slumbering Gracie on her shoulder, staring at the wall with her eyes glazed over like the dead. Callie took in the image, waited a moment while she took a deep breath and steeled herself to handle whatever was to come, then quietly moved over to her family.

She sat gingerly in the in the arm chair next to the couch, and waited for Arizona to acknowledge her because she hadn't when Callie came in. But Arizona didn't move or say anything at all to her. She just continued to stare blankly at the wall. Callie grew more and more anxious in the silence, and finally couldn't take it.

"Arizona…" Callie began softly, but Arizona stopped her immediately merely by shaking her head side to side. Callie tripped on her words and her eyes started to well as she stared at the woman before her who looked like just the shell of her formerly perky-to-a-fault wife. It was another few moments before Arizona spoke, and when she did she kept her eyes fastened on the wall.

"She cried for hours again. I tried everything… nothing would help. She just kept screaming. Finally she must have screamed herself hoarse or tired, because out of nowhere she just… stops. And then she stares at me for like fifty minutes; nothing more, just staring. If I tried to put her down or move out of her eyesight, she would start to scream until I was back in front her face. It was like an hour long staring contest watching her go to sleep, and she put up one hell of a fight. When she finally went down, I thought maybe I could get a quick break, but every time I move to lay her down she whines and clings to me. Look."

To demonstrate her point, Arizona carefully moved her arms to Gracie's little body and made a move to lift the sleeping baby off her chest. Immediately Gracie began to squirm and fiercely grabbed a thick chunk of Arizona's shirt. Arizona shook her head, and settled Gracie back down on her chest. Callie was almost shaking, faced with irrefutable evidence that Arizona found it a burden just to hold their child. She cleared her throat a little and moved to grab the baby.

"Why don't we see if she'll come to me. She can…" Callie was stopped again when Arizona turned her body away from Callie's hands and shook her head again. Callie sat back down, not knowing what to do, but feeling like her life was about to fall apart. Arizona wouldn't even look at her; she just kept her death-stare on the wall.

"So I've been sitting here, asking myself the same question over and over. What was I thinking?"

There it was. Callie's heart fell three stories in her chest. She could feel an anxiety attack coming on, the likes of which could rival any time she ever had to speak in public. She focused on taking deep breaths and making her mind form rational thoughts. She couldn't believe this was happening. She feared it, maybe even suspected it, but faced with the reality of it she was completely unprepared and at a loss.

When she spoke, her voice was raw with emotion but she tried to be strong.

"Arizona, I'm sure if we just talk, we can…"

"What was I thinking? I must have been crazy. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this. I wanted Spain beaches and Sangria, not day care and baby formula. I wanted freedom with no responsibilities beyond saving the occasional life or two. Now we have this thing… this tiny human who takes up all our time and energy, and never gives us even a moments rest. This little creature who depends on us for everything, and is a bigger responsibility than anyone should ever rightfully have. Who has to be near us all the time, and won't leave us alone for a second, even in her sleep. "

Callie was full on sobbing now, both with grief and with anger. To see and hear Arizona talk that way about their- _her _daughter, was enough to make her sick. Even more upsetting was the cold and detached way Arizona spoke. Arizona didn't even have the decency to look her in the eyes as she destroyed their family. She just kept staring at that damn wall.

"I mean, really. Was I out of my mind? _What_… was I thinking?" Callie had had enough. She was about to speak her mind and take her child when Arizona turned with a slight smile on her face, stopping Callie dead in her tracks. As soon as their eyes met, Arizona's smile grew a bit brighter and Callie noticed she was near tears as well.

"How could I not want this?" Arizona asked softly, dimple-smiling with a tear rolling down her cheek. Callie let out a huge breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding. Arizona just smiled a little more.

"How could I have ever not wanted this? You..." Arizona reached to grab her hand, and Callie gave it willingly something between a sob and a laugh bursting out of her.

"Me.. . her…" Arizona ran a soft hand down the baby still clinging to her shirt.

"Us… our family. This… this is all there is. There is nothing greater, nothing more important. And to think I almost lost you once because I thought I didn't want _this._ What was I thinking?" Relief washed over Callie so quickly she could do nothing more than shrug her shoulders, somehow laughing and crying at the same time. Arizona gave her another smile and squeezed her hand once before letting it go, moving back to hug Gracie more tightly to her. Her face lost a bit of the smile she had, growing just a tad serious as she moved her lips reverently across the top of Gracie's small head, then settled her cheek where her lips had been.

"I must've been crazy," Arizona whispered, hugging Gracie closer still, resuming her blank stare at the wall which Callie just realized held a picture of the three of them on it. Gracie let out a contented sigh, glad to be in her momma's arms as she slept.

Callie continued to cry/sob for just a moment more. She stared at her happy family feeling love, relief and just a bit of shame for having thought that Arizona wanted out. Looking at the way her wife was staring at their picture and holding their daughter, she knew there was only one way Arizona was leaving them.

Someone or something would have to kill her.

Callie quickly knocked on wood at the wayward thought. With the drama that followed her and her friends around, one could never be too careful what they put out to the world. No need to tempt or piss off fate in any way. She felt like they were finally even: car crash for the perfect family. Deal.

"_Best trade__ off of my life," _Callie thought to herself, now more smiles than tears. She moved over to Arizona's side and curled up next to her. She laid her head on Arizona's shoulders, and put her hands over her wife's where they were still clutching their daughter close. Callie took a second to digest the perfectness of the moment, and then decided to clear the air.

"I'm sorry," Callie whispered. Arizona leaned back a little so she could see Callie's face.

"For what?"

"For not having faith in you. I thought you wanted to leave." Arizona's face immediately broke out in confusion, hurt and disbelief.

"Leave? Why would you think that?" Callie had the decency to hang her head.

"I don't know… Gracie has just been so fussy lately, and we've been fighting. Then the other day when you left, you called her _my _daughter." Arizona snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, _your _daughter when she's being a brat. _My _daughter when she's being an angel. Look, see? Mine." Arizona wrapped her arms tighter around Gracie then twisted her body as if to keep Callie away. Callie chuckled a little, one or two more tears escaping her eyes. Arizona's face softened and she wrapped an arm around Callie's shoulders, pulling her close as well.

"I'm not going anywhere, Callie. You two are all that matters anymore. I'm never leaving. Not ever again, okay? I promise," Arizona said seriously. When Callie saw the sincerity in Arizona's eyes, she knew the woman meant every word she said. Callie smiled and reached to press a lingering kiss on Arizona's lips. She pulled back and rested her forehead against Arizona's, her wife's face still cupped in her hands.

"I'll never doubt you again," Callie promised in return. Arizona smiled and stole another kiss, before leaning back looking playfully upset.

"Good. Because if you ever do it again I will leave. And I'm taking the kid with me.


End file.
